raising a good man

I look into Ben’s big, blue, curious eyes. They’re full of joy, innocence, and love when they stare back at me. He smiles, wiggles, and laughs. When we went to grab sundaes last night, he would barely take his eyes off the dogs that were scampering around, mesmerized. His little body is tiny and soft and fits perfectly snuggled in my arms. Walking around the grocery store with me, he is captivated by the colors, lights, and me making funny faces. I can’t picture him ever being anything but kind and joyful. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how raising a boy in our culture is not a responsibility to be taken lightly. I remember in junior high - the 8th grade boy who would touch every girls’ butt without asking - like it was a joke and his right to do so. He was popular, and many of the cooler girls liked him, so standing up to him and getting angry seemed futile. I remember other boys making comments about my friends and I. I remember slowly realizing that our bodies weren’t just vessels that let us move, jump, run, or play. They symbolized something else to some of the guys, and that felt very strange and made middle school a very self conscious time. 

This year, the #metoo movement circulated the internet. Tens of thousands of women used their voices and came forward with their truth - they had been assaulted by a man who didn’t have permission. It showed the nation that there was something wrong - famous men who had powerful positions in Hollywood or business had been doing something very wrong and getting away with it for years. 

Last year, in my own state, at a university only about forty five minutes away, over a hundred gymnasts came forward. They were victims of sexual assault - the doctor in charge of the gymnastics program for years had been inappropriately touching the gymnasts - some very young girls at the time - for years. This man was an Olympic team doctor, and leading people in the gymnastics community and at the university had known of the abuse, which Nassar claimed to be a part of his medical examination and physical therapy. 

These stories are scary. Raising a good man is essential to me when I look at Ben - I’m sure that many of the mothers of these men had stared into their big, curious eyes as they were babies. I’m sure that many of them wished that their son would be a respectful and kind person as he grew. 

This is not by any means a claim that all men are bad - that is the farthest thing from true. I have been so fortunate in my life - the vast majority of men in my life have been good men. Believing that men are all pigs is ignorant and simply not a good way to live. But I have become aware, especially in recent years, that showing Ben that women are equals and here to be respected and loved as people, not objects, is a drastically important lesson. I will show him this by respecting myself and other women, and lift the women in my life up instead of tearing them down. I hope other mothers encourage the same message. Let’s stop this cycle of secrets and abuse that runs rampant in our culture and start by teaching our sons respect and love.