Stability and Purpose
When I was a teenager, I often saw myself as someone who didn't NEED stability. Technically, I was privileged and already had stability ingrained into my life - my parents did a great job making my whole life stable, so in my little teenage head, I dreamt of living an unconventional lifestyle - on the road, working different jobs and creative gigs, living in nature and constantly having fun and going on new adventures. As great as this sounds, in the past few years, I've been slapped in the face with BEING AN ADULT. And, of course, the additional layer of BEING A PARENT. Being a parent is a wonderful, amazing thing - but suddenly you have this person who is directly affected by all of your decisions. A tiny, amazing human who needs lots of stability. Once I became a mom, routine and stability began to play huge roles in my every day life. Chris and I had our place in a small town, he worked full time, I took care of Ben and did little creative side jobs. My life revolved around being a mom and all the responsibilities that came with the homemaker role, and I really and truly loved it. I had responsibilities of taking care of our whole house, paying bills, learning to cook, helping out with the business Chris' family owned, and making sure Ben was stimulated, fed, well-rested, and comfortable. On top of that, I was writing and painting whenever I could, and Chris and I were making time for us. I knew that one day, I would be going back to work at a more normal job and juggling working mom life, but honestly, parenting young a child and having all the responsibilities and roles of being the homemaker were exciting things to me.
Since we've moved out to California, I've really struggled with all of the changes. Things haven't been stable for us - it's been hard for Chris to find the right job here, and it's been really difficult knowing that we have a new baby coming in a few months but we don't have our own place yet. The prices on homes where are insanely high right now, yet the job market doesn't seem to have a lot to offer. When you have a little one to take care of, this sort of stuff really weighs heavily on the mind. We've questioned whether it has been the right choice for us and our family about a million times. My credit score currently is complete garbage because I made some mistakes and didn't realize I needed to cancel our utility bills when we moved from our first apartment :) We have been so blessed to be able to have family here that is helping us and letting us take up room in their house lol, but it's been a really hard adjustment for me to be struggling so much with so many different things, and trying to feel like I'm still a good mom and just doing a good job in life even though I feel like we're not in a stable place. I have kind of lost my feeling of purpose that I always dive into headfirst - whether it was when I was in college and working and keeping constantly busy with friends and activities, or when I was taking the whole "homemaker" and mother role so head-on when we had our own home in Michigan. It's honestly kind of hard to describe why I feel the way I do, but I just know that it's been difficult. Missing my old friends and my parents has also played a role in struggling with changes. It just feels like my brain is a tangled web and the more I think about all the things we need to figure out, the more tangled it gets!
Does anyone else out there struggle with purpose and feeling like they need to be endlessly productive and busy to feel fulfilled and purposeful? I'd love to hear your thoughts. I know this blog post has been an absolute MESS, and I'm really not just here to complain. Life isn't always easy and peachy, and even though we've been making so many wonderful memories, it has also just felt really messy! I hope this crazy post has maybe given someone else out there comfort.
Love,
Megan
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| Just a reminder that I definitely need sometimes when I'm feeling especially anxious and panicked about our future :) |
