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| photo via DeviantArt |
Now that I have my own babies, I'm left with this feeling often - everything is slipping through my fingers. I caught myself looking up preschools in our area yesterday, just out of curiosity. It seemed kind of bittersweet and exciting that our oldest baby will be gearing up for preschool in a year or two. Part of me is excited for the future - eventually, I will be working again, pursuing goals that are outside the realm of our family/motherhood. Ben and Beau will become more independent, they'll make friends, have hobbies.
I wanted to write today because for some reason this reality is hitting me hard, and it just creates a lump in my throat. I remembered yesterday that Ben went through a long phase of always falling asleep on my neck. Sometimes it would be borderline uncomfortable for me, this tiny toddler body laying so close to me, smothering me, breathing heavily and resting. He couldn't fall asleep if he wasn't laying right on top of me. He doesn't have to do this anymore. I still lay beside him while he falls asleep at night, but he's distancing himself slowly. Eventually, there will be a time that he won't even want me in his room at bedtime - I know that this is a reality that every mother faces, and most of the time, I accept that and know that there will be wonderful things about him getting older, too. But today it just makes me sad - and even with all of the time that I spend with the boys, which is a lot, I often feel that I haven't squeezed out all the wonderfulness of each moment that exists. This could make absolutely no sense to anyone but me, and that's OK (luckily it's my blog so I can write whatever I want and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else!) But when I look back on each day, sometimes I feel like I just didn't appreciate all of the moments I had with the kids to their fullest. I try to be as involved with them as I can while still letting them have independent play and alone time, but I still look back on each day with uncertainty. What if I was distracted? Was I paying attention enough today when Ben was talking to me? I hope I'm connecting with Beau enough. Was I on my phone too much? Did Ben watch too much TV? Did he go outside enough? Did I give them enough hugs? Why do the days go by so slow, but time feels like it's flying by?
I've honestly just been feeling kind of anxious for the past couple of weeks - it does feel like the days are going by slowly, yet time is flying. Everyone is freaking out about coronavirus and the election, and I feel like the world is just moving so fast and I'm just putting all my effort into the two boys in front of me, and still feeling like I'm coming up short sometimes.
I think I just needed to sit down and put all of this into words - and yes, I'm going to post it, because I haven't written anything in a long time and I want to keep publishing things even in times where I feel uninspired or down. I'm going to call this blog post a Brain Barf - me just writing to write to make myself feel a little better. :)
Anyway, have a great day loves!
Megan
