Last week (or maybe this week?) I saw that it was Mental Health Awareness Day. I saw lots of quote photos being shared and posted about mental health and self-care. It made me think about my own struggle with mental health, and how I've learned to cope. I would love to become an awareness advocate of a little thing I like to call Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Otherwise known (in my mind) as the Guilt, Doubt and Worry Disorder. I am nervous to post about this because it's something that I have dealt with for over a decade, and it's been my biggest obstacle and challenge in life. Also, it's kind of scary writing about this stuff - I don't want people to think differently of me, ya know?
When I think about my OCD in a visual, it looks a little like this. A seed is planted in the garden of your mind. It can be a thought, something that happened, just something small usually. This seed could start out like a normal little seed, but suddenly it begins to grow into something more. Something much worse, a dark, twisted, thick vine that grows around all of the flowers, fruit and veggies in your mind, and tightens around their roots. The flowers begin to die, and the fruit's growth begins to slow until eventually none grows. All that's growing in your garden is this diseased, methodical, powerful root, and it has wiped out the beauty and growth in your mind.
Dark? I know. It's not fun, and it's not cute.
People say a lot of funny little things to make their quirks seem silly. "OMG, I am sooooo OCD about my house - I like it to be super clean!" "I am so OCD - I just need to have my volume at a certain number!" There are makeup brands labeled "Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics" and there is a TV show called "Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners". I try not to get too frustrated about people's slip-ups and them making light of it, but it kind of makes me want to smack my head against a wall because people truly don't understand what they're saying. Not only does that confuse people who are dealing with OCD and have no idea that they have it (which is most people with OCD) but it also makes it seem like it's a silly, trivial illness. Just quirky people who like to keep things clean!
I first began experiencing true OCD symptoms when I was 11. I remember it very clearly - it was like my brain literally changed. I had something that I was feeling guilty about and I confessed it to my mom (it was a stupid and silly thing but something in my mind told me that I needed to tell her.) Suddenly, I just felt different. My brain went from feeling sort of simple and not worried about much of anything to just feeling off. I remember watching a movie with my family that night and just thinking, "I hope this feeling is gone tomorrow." Only, it wasn't. It stayed with me. It caused me to begin laying in bed at night, dwelling and ruminating over all the past events in my life, trying to pick out anything I may have done wrong in my childhood. Finally, I would remember "something" ( I put it in quotation marks because the things I would find to feel guilty for weren't things that mattered, or sometimes my OCD would kind of make something up. I know - WTF?) and I would obsess, obsess, obsess for months until I told my mom. Once, it was because I stole a tiny rock when I was 7 or 8. I remembered that I knew better than to do that, so why did I do it? I obsessed over it for months, I would cry every night in bed, and I started not even wanting to get ready for school.
It got worse. My OCD would ruminate over an event that I couldn't remember and literally try to fabricate things. It would make me think about the same horrible thoughts over and over throughout the day - I honestly couldn't get through a day without thinking about these OCD thoughts at least a hundred times. I felt like I was the most disgusting and messed up person in the world - and I felt all alone in it. It was just always there. And it made it so much harder because I had no idea why I felt this way - I didn't even really know OCD was an option for what was happening to me. The funny thing is, at some point between late middle school and early high school, I began washing my hands constantly and obsessing over germs. My hands would be absolutely raw all winter - cracked, bleeding cuts from dryness and over-washing, and I couldn't stop. I STILL didn't make the OCD connection. I would worry that if I didn't wash my hands after touching the countertop, it could have had some residue from raw chicken on it and I would poison my family. Unloading the dishwasher became a high-anxiety event, and I couldn't get through cleaning our kitchen without washing my hands at least 10 times.
I was very good at hiding it, too - I think people with OCD (especially those who don't KNOW they have OCD) are pretty good at this. You just feel so ashamed and you think you're this horrible person, but you still find a way to seem like a happy-go-lucky and funny individual. No one would have known anything was going on! No one. I am writing about this because I want anyone who has felt any of these symptoms to truly look into Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and find help. Unfortunately, OCD is not something that can be cured - you have it forever, which at first can feel like a ton of bricks, but it's going to be okay. If you know you have it, just remember that it's not that there is anything wrong with YOU.
Yes, I still have OCD. I have gotten treatment, but it's still there, and it affects me often, in various ways. When I was pregnant, it really messed with my brain and made me feel very depressed. If I wrote out everything that my OCD obsesses over and causes turmoil in my mind, this post would be way too long to read - just look up common OCD obsessive thoughts and tick down the list. But learning what it is has been the biggest help to me - It's not ME - I am a kind, smart, good person. It's just OCD. It's just that my brain turns on panic signals more often, and it works a little different neurologically.
If you're crying every night, if you can't stop obsessive thoughts, if you feel like you need to fulfill a compulsion ("confessing" to someone, washing your hands, doing something just because you feel incredibly uneasy and sick if you don't do it), that's not healthy or normal. When I was really affected by it during pregnancy, I finally started talking to a therapist, and thank God I did. I want to be the kind of mom who is there to talk about any issues that Ben is struggling with, and I also want to be calm mentally and there for him in any way that I can - taking care of myself is important for me now. Look for the patterns in your behavior. Seek help! Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. I try to be very transparent about my therapy because I know it can be embarrassing or hard to talk about. I take Zoloft to help with it, as well. Talk about it - find a therapist who handles OCD cases, and ask about it. God has helped me through it all - I have prayed about it countless times, and sometimes my prayers aren't so nice, but God's helped me all the way through regardless. Sometimes, I like to think of people who experience OCD as those who feel the weight of the world - we feel the guilt and worry for ten people. Maybe this is a blessing in some way that we can't see yet? Chris has been my biggest supporter, even when he doesn't understand what I'm dealing with.
I love being happy - and most of the time now, I'm pretty damn happy. But it wasn't always that way, and sometimes it still isn't! Just because you are struggling with something doesn't mean you're not still a wonderful, fun, unique, and energetic person. You're just a human being.
I hope you're all doing really well today and I hope you're all loving fall. Remember that needing help is perfectly okay, and you are wonderful just the way you are.
Hugs,
Megan
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