There's a quote I've seen floating around Pinterest - "Real queens fix each other's crowns." #kweenz!
Or, remind me to "make sure I take care of him!" as if I was planning to take him skydiving with me that afternoon or decide to feed him soda instead of formula. The reminder to take care of my own baby always felt like kind of a strange, friendly dis.
I was sitting in a coffee shop with my close friend, and Ben was in his stroller next to me. I was holding up his bottle so he could eat and having a conversation with my friend when one of the employees felt it was necessary to walk all the way over to inform me of something. "He's not eating; the bottle is just sitting on his cheek." she told me, a sort of sympathetic small smile on her face, and I got the impression that she thought I didn't know what I was doing. Ben had just moved his face to look around and the bottle was resting on his cheek for a moment.
Did they think I didn't look capable of taking care of him?
Is it because I'm young?
Did he look sad or uncomfortable?
I've had countless conversations with older moms in my life that have told me similar (and sometimes far worse) stories. A close friend's mom told me about how when her daughter had surgery as a baby, she had to wear a cast, and people would make terrible remarks, asking if she had abused her daughter. It got to the point where leaving the house was unbearable. Chris' mom has told me that other people would tell her that Chris needed to set an example for the other kids because he was older - it wasn't true, he was just very tall but still just a little kid who was still learning for himself. Other mom friends have told me how people in their lives constantly question their totally normal and healthy parenting decisions.
Why is this a thing? It's so common that all moms hear unsolicited and often judgmental comments from others about their own children. A few examples; "You should be breastfeeding. It's not natural to formula feed and you won't bond with your baby." "Was it planned?" "You look so young to be a mom!" "Oh, a C-section? That must have been a lot easier." "Oh, you used an epidural? Going natural is so admirable, it's too bad you couldn't do that." "If my kid was acting like that, he would get a spanking!" "Home births are so much better for you and the baby." "Three boys? Yikes. Are you guys going to try for a girl?" "Vaccines are terrible for your baby. Why would you put something so unnatural in their bodies?" "You're not vaccinating your kids? You're threatening other kids by doing so." "Stay-at-home moms have it so easy." "Working moms probably don't have a very close bond with their kids." Yadda, yadda, yadda. I have either seen examples of these on Facebook mom groups or heard other moms I know explain that people have acted this way towards them. It's so toxic, guys. Next time we get the urge to say something like this, let's think twice. What will the impact of my words be?
"You're breastfeeding. That's amazing, great job!" "Formula fulfills all of baby's nutritional needs - good for you for caring for your baby and making sure she's well-fed!" "You are glowing! What a beautiful young mama." "C-sections are tough. You are so strong!" "That sounds like an amazing birth experience - epidurals can help so much! You are so strong!" (P.S. I had an epidural, and I have no regrets. I couldn't handle the pain anymore, and the epidural totally relaxed my body and helped me dilate more quickly because I was relaxed and not tense!) "Wow, a natural birth! You are so strong!" (See a theme here? Giving birth means you are strong, no matter what!) "The vaccine debate is tough and can seem really scary - you did what you thought was best for your baby, that's freaking awesome." (I wouldn't even bring up vaccines, it can be a very sensitive topic and it's not really that important to know what other moms are doing as far as vaccines go. Just let em do their own thing!) "Staying at home can be really tough, but I think it's awesome that you're able to be hands-on with your kids every day!" "Working as a mom can be so hard. You're showing your kids an awesome example of hard work and dedication!" (I have seen something similar to this floating around the internet - examples of encouragements for the hard topics or judged topics of motherhood. These are some of my examples of positive remarks you can make if necessary!)
I don't know about you, but I'm in the business of reminding other moms that they're doing just fine. Let's lift each other up, guys! Tell a mom you know that she is amazing today.
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